How to Slay a Vampire

1995, regia di John Polonia, Mark Polonia, Todd Rimatti

Scheda: Nazione: USA - Produzione: Albert Z. White, Janice O'Donnely, Daniel Steele - Distribuzione: Brentwood Home Video - Soggetto: John Polonia, Mark Polonia - Sceneggiatura: John Polonia, Mark Polonia - Fotografia: Steve Shanks - Montaggio: B.H. Jenson - Art Director: Arleta Lain - Set Decoration: Joseph Wooled - Costumi: Carol Haftchert - Effetti speciali: P. Alan - Formato: Color - Durata: 82'.

Cast: Jennifer Burnier, Marion Costly, Maria Davis, Count Francis, Gary LeBlanc, Jesse LeBlanc, Scott Losinger, Chris Louhr, John Polonia, Mark Polonia, Todd Rimatti, Eric Smith, Lynn Smith.

Plot Summary, Synopsis, Review: IMDb - allmovie.com - unsolvedmysteries.com - mrsatanism.com - netflix.com - starpulse.com - taliesinttlg.blogspot.com: «...The basic story of this turkey is that two brothers (John and Mark Polonia), sons of a drunken red-neck mother, discover a vampire (Count Francis) wrapped in a rug in the cellar. They try to kill said vampire by stake, hanging, cutting the heart out, decapitation, garlic, the cross and holy water. Nothing works. The vampire awakens, farts (I’m not kidding) and escapes, and so they try to hunt him down. With a series of some of the worst jokes committed to celluloid, this film has to be one of the worst scripted films I have ever come across. Not even the referential moments highlighting that this is a film within the film, including the hilariously unfunny mike-boom gag, raise a titter and someone should tell these people that making a joke of child abuse isn’t funny. The acing is entirely sub-rate, the sound awful and the sound effects worse. The sfx are non-existent. Eventually, having staked a teddy bear rather than their quarry (and remember they are hunting this thing with stakes when that didn’t work earlier), they kill the vampire by opening a garage door and catching him in sunlight (that he was walking in, in previous scenes) and then flush the ashes down the toilet. Normally I’d offer a little more plot detail, but there is none. Normally I would try and find some glimmer of goodness in a film, but there isn’t one. Normally I would try and explain some of the more awful moments, but I really cannot be bothered... Not that I want to short change readers of this blog, you understand, but because this really is one of the most singularly worst excuses for a movie I’ve ever seen and it seems only fair that I put no more effort into the review than they did into the movie (and I think I’ve already exceeded that). There is nothing in this to recommend it, I can’t even suggest that you watch it to see how bad it is».

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